I'll be completely honest

I am still embarrassed to be a SUJU fan, and a big fan. People assume at about the age of 29, you'd be over those pop culture of boy bands/ girl bands. But should I care? I know I shouldn't. But there is a part of me that worries what other people think of me. Considering the oldest members of the group is 2.5 years younger than I am (Leeteuk and Heechul.) I am 7 years older than the youngest member of the group (Kyuhyun.) All of the other (younger) fans call them "oppa, oppa", kind of odd for me to say "dongsaengs, dongsaengs." ~~ which defines as younger siblings.

Yes I daresay that I am still in the embarrassment stage. what if my peers say, find someone your own age. haha.! If I were to be a 19 year old, into those things, I would have been in to 1TYM, HOT, Shinwha, and GOD (although I was sort of into GOD, but not as bad as Super junior of course.) When it probably was more appropriate for me to fan of theirs (since most of the groups' members were a few years older than I), but I really didn't give a damn about those groups. For some of those groups, I didn't know 1 of their songs ! I didn't realize that fanship takes an emotional toll, especially with the Hangeng case. It's as if I personally know him or something (and I don't!, sorry for the confusion!) But I really feel for him. And with the case of Kangin's DUI and assault case, I feel for him too. It's as if I am worried as if they are my flesh and blood younger brothers. Ok, maybe not to that extent.

I ask myself, what makes them so special? I mean there are other wonderful groups, whether it'd be American, korean, chinese, japanese, etc.? I ask myself what makes SJ stand out? I ask myself this all the time. Considering all other fans are at least 10 years younger than I: most are high school students, and there are a lot who are non-Koreans too (from Philippines, Indonesia, China, Malaysia.) In such places they are such a hit, I even assume they are bigger than in Korea with the whole Halluyu phase. It's funny how I used to think Korean music is corny, cheesy and I personally never really respected Korean music until I heard about SJ. But SJ could also sound like any poppy Korean music you hear. It can't be the fact that they have 13 boys (the most boys out of all groups.) If there was another group that had 13 boys and had crappy music and had no chemistry between them, I would care less for that group.

To me, they have that spellbound power I do not understand in their music. Maybe I am thinking too much. But being 29 and all, and being older than the oldest member there, it takes a lot from me to be a fan. I mean, I need to lay my pride down in away (haha!) Screw the pride part. I probably get scornful glances from my peers. I am a self-conscious person which makes it worse. But you have to know where I am coming from. I have never appreciated korean pop music until 2010. Not since 1995 - Roora, COOL - those days. I was 14 back then.

Maybe because I am 29 years old. It is just my last chance to be fan of anything. I am not saying I am a granny right now; but it's different compared to when you are 12-19 years old, and a fan. It seems like it's more acceptable to be a fan of theirs at that age bracket, but a 29 Korean-American though? Does that suggest that I am immature for my age? Am I being too hard on myself, as my friends always tell me without fail?

To be honest, I am weirded out on my own. I mean I enjoy being their fan; but it is rare for someone at my age to be a fan of a Korean boy band. And there I ask what is so special about them. And I could come up with a whole list to be honest. They are not just a boy band. They are like family. And that has had a lasting impression on me. They've been together through thick and thin, through good and the bad times. It actually has Christian principles as well - the community that they are in. Only amongst themselves are they able to understand each other. I heard their story. They are not just a mere boyband. They are family with history with each other. They are more than just good looks. Maybe their looks sparked my interest in the beginning, but those things really fade later on.

But let me tell you this position is mad lonely. Out here in the east coast of US, being Korean American, and being almost 30 years old. It is so lonely. I joined a few fan clubs here and there, and I've been chatting with teenage fans of SJ. It's great. They are from different countries and it's nice to find people who have similar interest. But I will be so thrilled if it happens to be another 30 year old. that'd be sweet.

So what makes them so special? It's not just looks; looks fade really. I admit, there are other hot guys out there besides them, whether he'd be American, Hispanic or Korean, etc. I appreciate them for their humility. They admit they are not perfect. They are not afraid to show their own unique personalities. They are not afraid to show their weaknesses either. With issues they have (Kangin's DUI problem, i.e.) they had shown much propriety in it. They don't diss him out, but they tell him, it's okay you made a mistake.. in an encouraging way. They still would love Hangeng despite his contract with SM problem. They still have Kibum in their hearts despite his long absences. They are so considerate of each other. They love their fans as if they are their family. They have broke into tears in front of their fans multiple times. But i have to say it is lonely. I appreciate my 16-20 year old fellow fans/ friends I met through the net though.

I shouldn't be embarrassed about this. Who cares about my age? I am a human who is touched by their music, their stories.

Why am I so afraid to be judge because of I am a fan or something?