Before being a SuJu fan, or a good friend or a daughter, woman, etc, etc, etc, I am a believer. But lately I've been thinking about christian communities. This is a touchy topic for me, considering my bad experiences from the onset of my Christian journey. It was a discussion during small group time, where we meet every Tuesdays, where we are able to laugh, cry, and discuss together (well, not cry... at least sympathize.) There was a part of the chapter we've been reading that has hit me hard. Church is supposed to be a place, where we receive healing and we are to come as broken people. However, I think a lot of us have different attitude when it comes to church (sorry this is not related to SuJu.) It is ironic where church has been a place (to me) where I have received the most censure, judgments, and expectation of a lot of perfections. In the onset of my walk, church has been a place where the remnants of guilt and shame still remains. I mean, even though 8-9 years (i lost count :D) have passed, I still feel the remnant of guilt and shame. I'm sure I am not alone on this. I loved how the book (by Charles Drew) pointed out where church is supposed to be a place where we are allowed to show our brokenness. We are allowed to disburden ourselves. However, this has been a struggle for me. Blessedly, I have been in communities such as Highrock and NCF where I have received healing and grace. Yet, even in the current church I attend, I still (in my mind) still have a tendency to feel that I am being judged and watched. this is true in a place where one national group meet. I feel like we are expected to be perfect or something. I still have that tendency. But isn't church supposed to a place where you receive the most healing and where you share your vulnerabilities to brothers and sisters? My goal is to feel safe at church. And I've been, though the past has been haunting me frequently. But yet, a lot of people feel that we are to put on that "holy" mask. that is why I always felt uncomfortable and pessimistic about being at church. As if I have to "pretend" that I am alright (whereas that is totally not the case.)
Long story short, I hate to repeat myself, but I had a very bad church experiences. And again, I am sure that I am not alone here either. But I have yet to feel the freedom to share my vulnerabilities. I still have that chill from remembering my past church experiences. Everyone watching my every step. If I falter, than fingers are pointed at. Maybe it's figment of my imagination and my own shame/ guilt from the past. But church (I hear) is supposed to be a safe haven, not where all my sins would be accounted for and written on a scroll or something. I sincerely wish to have a powerful church experience. because my mind's been battling from the past, I have yet to experience so. I am sure a lot of people feel the same way, and I am strong enough to voice my opinion and thoughts right here.
America is a freaking lonely country. Let's admit: we are all freaking lonely. Kudos to you who are not lonely. Please let me know the magic secret. I have a habit of switching churches frequently in the past because of my terrible, abusive church experience in college. It was horrendous. I was controlled. Decisions were already fated by the leaders. It's a long story and it's too personal to share it here. Everybody crave for fellowship and community. I am not the only one. I wish to be more proactive with my activity in my current one. That means to get rid of all sorts of fears I have. I wish to believe that a church is a place where you could unload your burdens. It's not a social event. Ideally, I wish that I would get to know more people, and that my shames and guilts would cease to exist. But yet, my past has been haunting, and lies are clouding me telling me that church is useless and that it's just a social event where people point finger. But nobody's perfect. With my current one, moreso, I wish to see myself and others healing and grace and acceptance in it. I don't want to feel like I am being judged, scorned, guilted and shamed.
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