doubts

I asked myself constantly, why am I a fan of SJ. I mean fans should be proud to be fans. I personally never thought that the boys were demi-gods.... or say better than me, or any of my guy friends. The fact that they are humans like you and me, that is why I appreciated them. I am still disappointed w/ Yesung being he's my favorite and making such comments on fat girls. Which makes the point again that people like Yesung (3years younger), Leeteuk(2 years younger) and Shindong (4 years younger), and the rest are just boys, humans. Sometimes I forget that they are younger than me. Hopefully they would grow out of that mentality and kind of mature in their way of thinking about women. I'm sure although they are pro in speaking in public, it could sometimes be intimidating. I guess the words did not just come out right. Just to think how words are powerful.

And I tried stop being selfish and think, wow, it must always be tough to be a public eye. To be honest, I think a lot of these boys, or any celebrities, sometimes they are lonelier than us "regular" people. I don't think it is easy to be an eye candy, because you have to live up to such expectations. Being it's hard to speak in public (and I am sure that their perspectives will change as they grow older), it is tough.

Yes, lately, I thought to myself why I am a SJ fan. I always thought before being a fan of anything, but these fans would go crazy over someone or something (some group.) It's like a relationship - sometimes we just go through doubts. But if I become a fan of something, I don't want to backfire. I want to continue to be a fan.

The first thing that sparked me with them was their "it's you" and their "sorry sorry" videos. It was for superficial reason, in the beginning. Then I researched the group and realized they had lasted for 5-6 years. I learned of their relationships with one another (and that is the main reason why I am a big fan) and how such different people could be united as one. It's like an ideal Christian community. Different people are gathered together to be united with one purpose. So is true with the fans. They are committed to stand by the boys, no matter what. So it is not (as I repeat) for shallow reasons. Although that whole comments about fat women disturbed me, although they were just comments. If what they say is true, I still don't want to believe that the boys are shallow people (although this is just comments from 3 of them.) I love it how they all have unique personalities. That just appealed to me the most. Although the comment about fat women was disturbing, the fact that they all come in different sizes is just commendable.

Sometimes being a fan could be super-tiring. It's not like I am being returned with anything. None of the SUJU members know me personally. I am not given some prize for being a crazy SJ fan. I realize being a fan could have a downfall. You may have to deal with some comments that are really insulting and that you don't like or appreciate. THe more you see them, the more you see their weaknesses and downfalls. But then you take two steps back and see that they are again humans, and not demi-gods, thus reason why you appreciate them. They are humans like you and I, just being plunged into stardoms.

Sometimes I forget it's because of their humanness that I am a fan. They are not perfect. They shed tears, they share their weaknesses to themselves and their fans. But i have to admit it is sometimes tiring to be a fan, since nothing is returned to you. You just support and appreciate them. I have to be honest, sometimes I feel bad for them because they can't live a normal life like you and I. They are always surrounded by paparrazi, and the more popular they become, the more anti-s will grow. To be honest, I don't envy them. As Leeteuk is transparent, he shares a great deal about his growing loneliness and how it is all in a price of fame (I love his honesty.) although his comment on fat women was inexcusable. But he's a human. He's got a lot on his shoulder. Sometimes, I would like to think that he did not mean what he said.

There is a cost of being a fan, especially someone as old as me. I fear I would get weird stares from people. I'm sure at this point people will think i am a freak of some sort. I am sure i will get comment such as "was SY always this superficial." although they don't know that I like them for non-superficial reasons." I am already feeling the weird stares and such.So thus, I am going through dark times in my fandom, with some questioning about it. But I'm sure it's obvious that I am still their fan, no matter what.