a little less related to SJ

So occassionally I will write a note very little related to SJ. Or maybe I will try to tie it into some of my blogs that is less related to SJ. well, Lately, I've been dreaming about being in a bucholic setting - sigh, it's such a beauty to be surrounded by trees, hills, mountains, streams, etc. If I take a day trip to go hiking or something, oh man !! The weather has been nicer, so it's been calling for me more. I've been in a better mood than in some of my previous darker blogs. I ask myself why at this age of mine why I've been blogging about SuJu and why they I am a fan of theirs. I still do after 3-4 months after the onset of being their fans. I thought it would phase out, but no, it's going the opposite direction (which is not a bad thing.) I guess some of us have to have that outlet from whatever pains and hurts that goes out in the world. I mean, I do have faith as well, and I am a believer. Sometimes we need those idiosyncratic preferences/ and fandoms. sometimes it helps us keep our sanity in an odd way.

I used to be so obsessed with my grades/ school. It was basically my life, especially before I became a believer (High school days.) It was my source of pride and (I can't say joy.)... And I think about when I get out there in the real world. Now it's different. I wish to work more than taking classes to be honest. I tell my friends that I am schooled out. I'm glad I didn't get accepted to PhD program, or else that would literally have killed me. I am not meant for school for too long. I really cannot wait until I get out to the real world. The only motivator for me to be taking classes is to see teenagers that I could impact. I could be their role models, as again, corny as that may really sound. And I am being totally serious about it. I wish I had more passion and motivation for school; I used to, but not anymore. I realize there are so many important things in life like family and friends I value. Sometimes I complain that I have 0 friends, but I really know that I do have a lot of friends. I do, really, and I know I am cared for as well. But that wasn't my point. I missed blogging. I really do. When I read the part where SJ is not a happy group through facebook, I realized that the members are just humans, and them admitting that they are unique and special in their own ways make me realize why I am a fan. There are things that doesn't make sense to people, that keeps you happy. And that is how I describe about Super Junior. I am beyond the age where I care about what people think about it in terms of it. It may be immature, but whatever rocks my boat and whatever makes me happy.

What others think of me was my whole world. But now, really, I have no energy to care anymore. If you don't like me, then I won't bother trying to please you or trying to be my friend. I have a good pool of trusted friends to count on (and family members.) Because SJ members are naive and innocent (or at least they appear to be), I feel like my own innocence is preserved. it's like my own la-la land, daydreaming. Hey we all have to daydream once in awhile. Right?? I think my mind tends to drift away easily.

The older I become, the more anxious I become. I always look forward to Sunday and small group, with my brothers and sisters. I am trying to be more pro-active in getting to know people better. My unnie, Julie, we have coffee dates every Sunday after church fellowshipping. She's 5 years older than me (same age difference as me and Donghae,Eunhyuk,Sungmin [dang they are young]), but she's like my soul sister. I'm trying to get to know other sisters in that deep of a level (I hope.) But we are like peas in a pod. There is nothing that she doesn't know about me. She knows everything about me. Literally, she knows all my deepest and darkest secrets (for the most part.) If one of us was a guy, we would have been married. I'm glad that she doesn't read my blogger of have my FB, or she would have strangled me already:D. But I hope that friendship/ sister-hood will bloom and never fizzle out. I wish that that would be that case with the friendships I have now. So I always look forward to our coffee dates every Sunday, besides the sermons and fellowshipping w/ the other brothers and sisters, it rejuvenates me. And when when Monday comes, I get the week's blues. Tomorrow's a big day for me, and I am a nervous wreck, so tata!