people may say I am too old for this

To be honest, if my parents found out what I do here, they probably send my head to the guillotine. I am not joking. They'd be like, when the freak are you going to grow up, like they ask a lot. I have given up to the ideal of me being the ideal daughter (which expectations I will never reach.) when parents put too much expectations on their children: let's admit it: we give up and we feel hopeless. We go back to our infantile stage. This is psychology folks. they will seriously send me to the guilotine when they find out about this. Which makes writing this blog more risque and more exciting!

But on another hand, despite the embarrassment I feel about this, what if I died tomorrow (knock on wood; God forbid.) sorry to sound so morbid. what if I didn't get a chance to do things I want to do? Would I be more of a hard-core SJ fan? Would I register for a ballet class/ pop dance class? Or a water painting class? would I register for a 60 minute Spanish lessons? Would I travel to places I wanted to go? Am I living a mediocre life? Am I non-adventurous? Would I try to find the means to meet the SJ boys? What would I do if they told me I had a terminal illness? I had a day, a week, a month to live? A year? Would that make a difference? that is a serious question to ask?

Being a SJ fan without having controlling people know about it, makes it more freaky and exciting! who cares what others think of me if I had a day to live.? I would write a letter to them explaining how much of a fan I've been, if I knew.... And no I am not sad. Actually this weekend I've been in a good mood because I am accepting who i am, I am owning myself. I love myself to be an SJ fan. what about things non related to SJ? Did I do the things I wanted to? Did I love my neighbor (I have no confidence in this one.)? Have I been my true self? I've been in the best of moods lately, knowing that screw what other people think of me. As long as I am content w/ my own life. I am fine the way I am. I don't need to replicate other people's life. I don't need to have social life every single day. I like simplicity. I don't like having too much agenda. I am content just blogging on SJ and diong my own business in school. But say something happened to me, I know that I am have always been a fan of theirs and that I want to live my life to the fullest. I would register for a waterpainting class, a dance class (that's the first.) and learn Spanish!