fantasy island

it is still very lonely to be the only 20 something SJ fan (in her late 20s) in NYC; especially, when NYC is a lonely city to begin with. Funny that it has helped me through loneliness. Someone needs to snap me back to reality because I am in happy land right now. I see these crestfallen faces, while i am happily looking at videos and music from them (IPOD, youtube.) I am saying is this fair? But it is true that it has helped me through periods of depression and loneliness. It really did. Problem is I am solo in enjoying this. i have nobody to share it. Maybe a couple of people from digital world. I guess it got kind of lonely blogging on my own. Enjoying it on my own. While people are frustrated with life, with work, kids, babies, schools, etc. Look at me. I feel like I am regressing in age. this is absurd. This is abnormal; as much as I love my SJ. I fear people would think that this is too much. While people are holding unto reality, I am fantasizign about perfect friendships that SJ holds. And I could be doing so much more than this. Sometimes i wonder if this is so meaningful. WTH am I doing? When you are in pain and you're hurting and you have no idea what to do about it: you regress in age. this is just my way of demonstrating it. So absurd and pathetic. I know my road to healing is long. Very long. It seems impossible.