I know I am supposed to be happy because they have just realized a new teaser for "beauty"; however, I am feeling morose. I think there is a part of me that still feels embarrassed about being a fan of boyband. I always give myself reasons, and I have already listed 101 reasons why I am a fan (in one of the post.) Their teaser is great, although it has that mysterious flair to it. it is lonely to be a fan when these so called idols are idolized by so many young fans - fans that are so much younger than me, and here I am the only one out of all my friends who are going crazy over them. The more deeply I am involved w/ this.... the lonelier I become with this. I feel like I am becoming superficial or something. I feel like I need to grow in wisdom. I ask myself sometimes if I am wasting my time with this, despite the fact that I have legit reasons to be a fan. But there is no middle ground for me. If I am passionate about something, I go all the way. Sometimes it's really, really hard. I don't express how hard it is. the embarrassment I must face. And it's not like I am known by the Super Junior. What makes it even lonelier is the fact that they have twitters. BTW, Heechul and donghae are heavy-duty tweeting each other. It is SOOOO Freaking lonely. there were couple of times i thought about forgetting everything about it, since I am being a fan in cost of feeling more lonely than before. This is sometimes too lonely. WAYYYY Too lonely. Super junior members by now must think I am a freak to act in the same behavior as 17 year olds. Thinking that I am actually older by 2 years by the eldest members. I am running an obstacle i feel like. This is so lonely. I am supposed to feel happy that their first song "beauty" will be released in 3 days exactly at 10 am KST. Now I know Shindong is tweeting now. Being a fan is lonely since these members doesn't know you @ all. Being a fan feels so miniscule. I feel so small compared to the 1,000,000s of fans that exist,and the average age being like 16, or 19. I have to be positive about this fandom. I have to say the boys are hotter than before, which makes it even lonelier. The reason why I say "dope." I mean Yesung? wow. He had gotten a lot of screentime, compared to his other MVs. And he looks hotter than ever!! Even Shindong looks hot! Sorry, wasn't a fan of Eunhyuk this time. Sungmin I hardly saw his face. Kyu looks the same; so does Teukie. I thought heechul looked really great there. Ryeowook looked hot showing his cheekbones. Siwon looked great as well though he still doesn't appeal to me. Did I forget someone else? This is so lonely. Being the only upper20s fan in a lonely city of New York. You know what I need? I need to get out of NYC. The more I learn about them, the more I feel like my life is so different from mine. It's ridiculous. I have to say there were times when I wanted to give up this fandom; but I want to persist. I made a prom15e to believe right? If I knew personally 1 or 2 fans in NYC who was around my age, i'd be totally fine. I wouldn't feel like an alien. But please check out the teaser. I am falling in love with them more as I saw the teaser. I already have such a high expectation. This feeling of loneliness due to my fandom will soon pass. I just need to find another fan the same age as me.. because I have no one to share this common interest with.
Sorry, sorry. after watching the video; I again became Yesung-biased. Sorry I cannot hide it. I loved it how it got more screen time.
I will get over this period of loneliness. I need to travel to Italy or something and get the h~~~ out of this state, or else I'd go mad.
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